Water Off A Duck's Back
By Caring for Hawaii's Elders
by Melissa K.
When people found out about my mom's illness, me quitting my job and staying home to take care of her and the subsequent obligations and responsibilities, most were sympathetic. But you always get that token person that just wants to stick their foot in their mouth and say things that are insensitive and inappropriate, and even downright hurtful. And this from a long time friend, no less.
I would normally just try to think that they were having a bad day, or possibly a bad week, or maybe they have root canals scheduled back to back. What happens when I usually have a conversation with this person is that they ask me if I'm retired. And they say it in a joking way, as if it's something to be made fun of. Like staying home to take care of your bedridden parent is a walk in the park. Like lifting them out of bed to put them in a wheelchair and then lifting them into the car, and then lifting them out of the car and back into the wheelchair is like duck soup. Like having to do everything for them and quitting my job because I couldn't handle the stress and my job performance was lousy was an easy decision to make. Like having my pay cut in half and lying to my friends about not being able to go to lunch because I was doing something else but it was really because payday wasn't near enough and I was short on cash.
I don't know what is going through this person's head but I know they aren't losing sleep over it and probably will still see me or talk to me and ask me if I'm retired, because they don't know that I am getting up at 5:30 in the morning so I can change my mom's diaper and feed her and then go and pick up my friend's kids and take them to school because her mother is dying and I know how that must feel so I do it because I love her and want to help her, and do they even know what that is? I doubt it.
I guess I should just tell this well-meaning, church going, God fearing person to shove it. But I am too nice so I will just let them read this.
Caring for Hawai‘i’s Elders
February 24th, 2010 at 9:17 am
I used to work with someone like that.
He has a difficult time with determining what socially acceptable to say and when to keep it only as a thought in his head. He really thinks it might be funny, but does not see how it hurts others.
February 24th, 2010 at 3:48 pm
why do you care what the other person is saying..so long as you are doing your job and caring for your mom that is the main thing....sometimes in life you have to care about yourself...if your friend is not walking your shoes she wont understand so no point of arguing.
February 24th, 2010 at 3:51 pm
if a friend want to go for lunch ..suggest how about a picnic....bring lunch..maybe she can give you a ride!
February 24th, 2010 at 3:52 pm
bring fruit...see no problem.
February 24th, 2010 at 3:59 pm
get one of your kids to help you lift your mom..
February 24th, 2010 at 4:02 pm
here try this maybe it will be easy to lift your mom
http://www.ehow.com/how_5029080_lift-transfer-person-wheelchair.html
February 24th, 2010 at 4:09 pm
you just tell your mom to go closer to the chair then she can get around...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QAEasuEsF3k&feature=related
February 24th, 2010 at 4:12 pm
can your mom
do this? just move over to the edge...then her bum om the chair.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d17zl8vbkts&feature=related
February 24th, 2010 at 6:54 pm
Dear Rosette, thank you so much for taking the time out to email those videos, what a dear you are. Unfortunately, my mom hasn't got the upper body strength to transfer herself, but it is okay, hard in the beginning during the transition but easier now. Thank you so much for always taking the time to read the blog and all your input, musings and observations. My best to you and your family.
Kage, thanks for taking the time to post a comment! Appreciate that a lot.
February 25th, 2010 at 3:06 pm
Im proud of you Auntie for being the bigger person.
February 25th, 2010 at 11:30 pm
It's strange what people say sometimes, whether intentional or unintentional. When it comes to full-time caregiving, many people have no idea what it involves until they do it themselves. And then they say, "Oh, now I know what [name] was going through..." I admire your ability to stay calm.
February 27th, 2010 at 9:55 am
I was able to help to Iz board and deboard the Airplane at the old Interisland Terminal. It was an effort for him to travel. I never talked with him because I had to concentrate on driving him safely to board.
A large wheel chair forklift was needed to carry him on board. The old Interisland Terminal had no jetways to walk on. Iz was a large man in more ways than one. He has a Big Heart. Everytime you see a rainbow, think of the Song he sings. Somewhere over the Rainbow and What a wonderfull World.
It is honorable that your mother took care of you when you were younger and in her elder years, you take care of her. Related or not I am sure Iz is smiling on you. You both share the same last name. Don't worry what others say or think.
Life is Good
Do what you Like
Like what you Do.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0ltAGuuru7Q
Url is of Iz playing Over the Rainbow.
February 27th, 2010 at 10:25 am
I can tell that you are an excellent caregiver. For whatever reason, caregiving is often under-appreciated and misunderstood, yet one of the most challenging things to do.
February 27th, 2010 at 8:40 pm
Good luck.
February 28th, 2010 at 3:02 pm
I can totally empathize with what you have expressed. While caregiving for my parents, this happened a number of times. Someone told me they were looking forward to retiring, so that they wouldn't have to work just like me! Another person said, "You're so lucky, you don't work." My days were likely just as stressful as theirs. Probably more so due to exposure to their well meaning, but demeaning remarks. It's frustrating.
However, you're love for your parent is greater. At the end of the day, you know that you're trying your best in life and that's the best that we can do.
Thank you for sharing these thoughts. You are doing a great public service. Perhaps this is an opportunity to educate some people. Please know that there are others of us who can relate. Try to take care of yourself however you can.
March 2nd, 2010 at 2:04 pm
Melissa, you are such an amazing and awesome person. Don't let others upset you.
March 8th, 2010 at 12:24 pm
melissa, hang in there! there will always be people who don't understand the stress and difficulty of being a caregiver - they do not realize how much patience and fortitude you must have to do it full-time. working a regular job cannot be compared! they are probably the same people who think being a stay-at-home mom is easy, too!
if you have the patience, you can try to explain how difficult it is and how those remarks hurt you. sometimes people are clueless, but they might just have the capacity to be a little more thoughtful the next time. try as you might, however, i think caregiving is something that you don't truly understand until you've done it yourself.
i have friends who've retired to take care of their parents and i know that they will enjoy their retirements when they have the time but simply sitting back and doing whatever they want at their leisure isn't an option. certainly, having to chose between work and taking care of your mom must have been a truly difficult decision (which i hope i don't ever have to make!), especially with three kids of your own. thankfully, my mom isn't sick or anything, but just dealing with her forgetfulness and hardheadedness on a day-to-day basis gives me stress!