Caregiving: Creating Breathing Space and Margins, Part I
July 10th, 2009 by Caring for Hawaii's EldersCaregiving is something that requires stores of energy that most people don't have in large quantities. My next couple of entries will deal with how to put some space and margins in our day to do something for ourselves in order to replenish the energies that are depleted in the actual tasks of caregiving. In order to brace oneself for all the day to day tasks that need to be done, it is a necessary thing to add time to do something for yourself, hopefully everyday if possible, and a larger slot of time weekly to "fill up the tank". I realize that for some this is not possible, but it is worth noting that caregiver stress is something real and if not addressed will lead to burnout and even illness.
Wayne Cordeiro has dealt with the issue of burnout in his latest book called "Leading On Empty". It is a book primarily designed as a manual for pastors and others in the clergy who have burnout issues, but it is beneficial to anyone who is overloaded with work and family tasks and has been an immense help and inspiration to me.
Chapter One of his book is appropriately called, "When The Needle Points to Empty". As a caregiver, there may be daily tasks of changing and feeding your loved one, administering medications, bathing, dressing and grooming them, moving them from a bed to a wheelchair or other activities not mentioned. You may have doctor appointments to drive them to or other places that they need to go to. All of these daily tasks added up, plus doing things like going to the market, cooking, washing dishes, cleaning and all of the other things that need to get done will add up to one totally pooped out comatose brain dead individual and her name is Melissa. Okay, at least my sense of humor has not been subject to dementia.
One of the things that Wayne Cordeiro advocates for strongly in his book is the importance of exercise. I know that in order to stay in optimum health so that I can care for my mom I need to exercise daily. Wayne says that regular exercise has been proven to reduce stress, anxiety and depression and also improves sleep. I will address the issue of caregiver depression in a later entry, but he also states that a study once showed that three sessions of aerobic activity per week worked about as well as medication in reducing the symptoms of depression. He also advocates exercising with friends. I have one friend that I have been running with for a couple of years now so we get our workout as well as some good girl time in on a regular basis.
I realize that with the way people's schedules are that this is a challenge, but it would be well worth the effort to at least try it. Even if it is only for a half hour or forty five minutes, it would be a benefit and you will feel better and more capable of rising up to continue in the task of caring for your loved one.
By Melissa K.
July 10th, 2009 at 7:40 am
Great advice Melissa! Yes, exercise appears to let some of the "stress" come out.
I haven't posted in a while since I noticed my posts were just "complaints" about my situation and I thought that that's not constructive and even embarrassing.
I'll try and stay positive..........
Aloha,
OL
July 10th, 2009 at 8:39 am
Hi OL, don't worry about venting, that is what this blog was created for. There are multiple stresses in caring for the elderly and to just find the common ground and know that you're not in it alone is what we're here for. I haven't complained yet as I thought I'd try to establish myself as a middle ground nice person before I post one of my psycho entries. Ha ha. Well, I'm not too sure how much reality people can handle. Have a great day!
July 10th, 2009 at 11:53 am
You are so right about taking a small amount of time - half-hour, 45 minutes - for yourself each day. It seems like it wouldn't make a big deal, but thirty minutes a days is a lot. It means you can read the newspaper, finish a book, exercise, watch some TV. All things that keep us sane and that don't require that much time to accomplish.
July 10th, 2009 at 2:41 pm
Yeah, OL, you don't have to stay positive to post here. Just go with what moves you. A lot of caregivers don't have a place to vent because they think they'll be seen as selfish. But we know that most caregivers are anything but selfish. We let our emotions run the gamut here!
-- Kevin
July 11th, 2009 at 4:45 pm
Thanks Melissa/Kevin! You folks should start a topic about the FAMILY SQUABBLES concerning assets and how the ones that don't help SQUAT believe that they're ENTITLED to stuff even if they don't do SQUAT.
OL
July 12th, 2009 at 9:33 am
OL,
Family conflicts during the caregiving and "post-caregiving" periods are common and a topic we'll tackle at some point. Some of these conflicts can be resolved over time if the parties involved are willing to reconcile. Other times, relations are broken for a long time, if not permanently. Family members go to their graves not talking to each other and feeling hostility over events that occurred years and even decades earlier. Caregiving can bring out some strong emotions, sometimes resurrecting old hurts from the past. Family members really have to work at maintaining the peace, even as others act out inappropriately (e.g., the entitlement attitude, for example). Hard sometimes when different people strongly disagree about things and they all think they're RIGHT!
July 12th, 2009 at 10:17 am
Morning Kevin,
I agree......thing is in our situation, we do ALL THE CAREGIVING and the other party wants $$$ for not doing anything at all with respect to caregiving.
OL
July 13th, 2009 at 7:04 am
OL, That's unfortunate that they won't share in the caregiving experience, a decision perhaps they will regret in the long run, while you and your wife, on the other hand, may live out your own lives knowing you did everything you could to help despite the difficulties. You will have peace of mind, not guilt or regret, and that's priceless.
July 13th, 2009 at 12:11 pm
I agree with Kevin. Although it is very overwhelming, you know that underneath it all there will be the knowledge that you gave it your best and that brings life into a full circle of love which is why we are all here, it isn't even about the material things. It is about going to a higher ground within and realizing that it is the quality of our relationships with loved ones that is of permanence and substance.
July 21st, 2009 at 12:32 am
Care giving is a blessing. With all the ups & downs, we were blessed to be my Mom's caregiver for 10 years. She was, and we were, blessed by the experience. Yes, it was difficult, but so many worthwhile things really are challenging. Life is a great challenge!
I once had a lady come up to me, when I was with my Mom (Mom was in her wheelchair) in a store and she asked if this was my Mother. She touched my shoulder and said reassuringly, something like; "You will never regret your kindness to your Mother."
That was a sweet thing for a stranger to do and it is so very true. The most important thing we can do is love each other.